In that moment, when I see his face crinkling and his mouth preparing to scream, the dread I feel is palpable as I am not equipped to prevent him screaming in this moment and that, in the following moment, my own irresponsible rageful response will have been triggered. I can't explain why this is so except with the most basic of hand-waving gestures towards a "flight-or-fight" response on my part coupled with an extreme frustration at my inability to cope with that particular noise (a personal thing that I don't quite understand).
In that moment, everything that I want for him and want for my parenting falls apart. I respond in kind. I get loud. I get unreasonable and reactive and start meting out arbitrary punishments with no rational consideration of how they will affect him.
In that moment, I betray him.
"Mother is the word for God on the hearts and lips of all little children" and I feel the same is true for me as a father. They trust that their care is always first and foremost in my mind and that the way that I act is representative of my feelings towards them. If another adult were to behave in the way that I did towards them, it would most likely be met with stunned silence as well as some tears from the shock but the lasting impression would be of some mean random adult that they won't trust in future. What does it mean to them when it comes from me? I can only fear the worst...
It is something that I feel a lot of us work on in our alone spaces because these are the parts that we don't like to share. We keep skeletons in our closets because that's where they should be stored but what if by doing that we merely perpetuate our poor behavior due to an inability to receive feedback and assistance with overcoming our own demons?
I work on this every day. Every day I hold those reins tight and keep my temper in check as much as possible. I take ten deep breaths when I find myself overreacting and then attempt to think of at least two ways in which to tackle the issue without resorting to aggression.
I do this because I love my children and because I don't want to betray our bonds.
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